Avery was disgruntled. It could be said that Avery is ALWAYS rather disgruntled, but today he was particularly disgruntled for many a reason.
For one, Regulus was being a PISSY LITTLE GIRL AND NOT AT ALL ATTRACTIVE OR WONDERFUL. HE WAS BEING ANNOYING. AND ANGRY. AND NOT GOOD. NOT GOOD AT ALL.
He wanted another reason, but he just didn't have on, and as he stormed into the room, he didn't take note of Regulus' clothes, only of the fact that there was a Regulus, and that that Regulus was being a PRISSY LITTLE GIRL and neded to be PROPERLY PUT INTO PLACE.
SO, what if he didn't have another reason?!?!? IT WAS PERFECTLY NORMAL TO HAVE YOUR DAY RUINED BY YOUR FRIEND. DAYS, EVEN.
YEAH A WEEK, SO WHAT.
With lots of yelling ad menacing looks.
Just as Regulus was admiring his work of genius, he was SO rudely interrupting by someone who was YELLING AT HIM.
Regulus spun around and glared at Avery.
Regulus narrowed his eyes.
If he was going to play the "YOU" game, SO WOULD REGULUS. There was absolutely nothing off-limits now, not after Avery proving himself to be the most gigantic sort of wanker that Regulus ever met in his ENTIRE LIFE.
Not that this bothered him. People were wankers to Regulus all the time, what with his head being shoved down at least one toilet per week.
SO THIS REALLY WASN'T ANY DIFFERENT. This didn't BOTHER him. Regulus was just angry because he was just frustrated for no reason, really. Just.. EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE. THAT WAS IT.
"Did I even SAY you could come in here?" Regulus continued his glaring at Avery, "I was busy doing something IMPORTANT and I don't have time for interruptions, PARTICULARLY from someone who had no problem LEAVING here the other day."
Not like that bothered him either.
"What do you even WANT?" A Reguscowl. JUST FOR AVERY.
"I LIVE HERE. YOU CAN'T BAN ME FROM HERE."
Avery was INDIGNANT. HE LIVED IN THIS ROOM. HIS THINGS WERE HERE. HE COULDN'T BAN HIM FROM HIS OWN ROOM. HE WAS SURE. ...Or kind of sure. WHATEVER. REGULUS WAS BEING A PRISSY LITTLE ARSEHOLE, WASN'T HE?
"IMPORTANT? When do you EVER do anything important?" Avery said, making a face.
Now that was mean. Regulus did many important things. And Regulus was nice.
...NO HE WASN'T GOOD GOD, HE WASN'T NICE, HE WAS A BITCHY LITTLE FUCKER WEARING A DRESS. HE WAS JUST THAT. A BITCHY LITTLE FUCKER. AND IN A DRESS. DAMMIT. DRESS, WHAT THE HELL.
"I LIVE here, you great wankface," Avery snarled, pushing past him roughly to enter the room.
"I CAN BAN YOU FROM HERE IF I WANT TO!" Regulus was tempted to stomp like a little child but that might not exactly be to his benefit right now, "I mean, YOU left here the other day so that might as well have been you saying you DON'T want to stay here."
Did he just.. MAKE A FACE?! AT REGULUS?! REGULUS DID NOT LIKE FACES BEING MADE AT HIM. REGULUS HATED FACE-MAKING.
"DON'T EVEN PULL THAT! THE FACE AND THE COMMENTS AND THE STUPID! OH MY GOD. YOU ARE SO INCREDIBLY STUPID, AREN'T YOU? I mean surely you have a GREAT BIG SHIP TO SAIL, DON'T YOU?"
Oh yes, he WAS going in that direction.
"Oh? What's this? THIS IS THE SOUND OF ME NOT CARING. I don't CARE if you think you live here. You're a momentous sort of PIRATE, you ARE. I've never seen anything more PIRATE-LIKE THAN YOU. YOU SHOULD LEAVE NOW. GO GET A PIRATE. SAIL ON YOUR SHIP. WALK THE PLANK. SWAB THE POOP DECK OR WHATEVERTHEHELL. GO PLAY WITH YOUR MASTS AND YOUR SAILS AND YOUR PIRATEY EYEPATCH AND YOUR PIRATEY.. PIRATEY SELF. BECAUSE YOU ARE A PIRATE," Regulus forced himself to laugh. He wasn't really AMUSED. He was ANGRY. But he should seem amused if he was going to at least talk about Avery being SUCH A PIRATE.
A really horrid sort of pirate, the kind that LEAVES RUDELY when Regulus
really doesn't want him to leave IS ANGRY.
"I'M NOT A FUCKING PIRATE YOU FLOWERY TWAT," Avery said, stomping over to Regulus to yell in his face. It made more of an impact. MANLY MEN WHO AREN'T PIRATEY DID THIS. ALL THE TIME. YOU KNOW. NO MORE PIRATES. PIRATES WERE FAIL AND THEY SHOULD BE BANISHED TO FUCKING SIBERIA WITH THE FUCKING FUTURE POTTER SPAWN.
"SHUT UP, YOU STUPID HOE FACE. I DO LIVE HERE. AND I'M NOT A PIRATE GOD DAMMIT, AND ITS YOU WHO IS AN IMMENSLY LARGE FLOWERY POOFTER WHO WAS SNOGGING WILL NOTT AND YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING WHORE," Avery yelled. He wasn't JEALOUS. HE WAS CONCERNED. CONCERNED.
STUPID PIRATES, STUPID POTTER SPAWN, STUPID NUNS, STUPID SIBERIA, STUPID STUPID STUIPID STUPID. STUPID WILL NOTT, THAT LITTLE FUCKER. THE HELL WAS W-
AVERY WAS NOT JEALOUS.
INSULT INSULT INSULT.
YELL YELL YELL.
Regulus could not, quite frankly, give a damn.
Avery was a giant yelling pirate, a GREAT BIG GIANT YELLING PIRATE MAN WHO WASN'T EVEN WORTH LISTENING TO.
OR taking seriously.
"Fine, sure. You're REALLY not a PIRATE, like I believe that. And I'm all those TERRIBLE things and I'm SO INCREDIBLY WOUNDED. I mean look at me. WEEPING. How about you save it because I really, honestly DO NO CA- "
There was NO WAY. NO WAY that Avery could KNOW. Yet he just SAID IT and HE HAD ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT KNOWING ANY OF IT.
And it sort of hurt.
"YOU!" Regulus abandoned all hope of controlling his temper which had been quite active lately, "YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT SAYING THAT OR KNOWING ABOUT IT OR ANYTHING. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYWAYS. I COVERED THE STUPID BIT, DIDN'T I?! YOU DO NOT KNOW A THING ABOUT ME, OR ABOUT WILL, OR .. OR WHAT HAPPENED. EVEN THOUGH NOTHING HAPPENED AND I AM NOT A WHORE AND I AM NOT A POOFTER EITHER BECAUSE ACTUALLY, I'M A GIRL. AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. BECAUSE YOU'RE MEAN AND I DON'T LIKE YOU AND ..AND.." Regulus grabbed his wand and gave Avery a threatening sort of glare, "AND I WILL HEX YOU IF YOU REPEAT ANY OF WHAT YOU SAW TO ANYONE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"
Avery officially lost his mind.
He had paperwork and everything. A little shiny pin that certified him insane.
In the span of five seconds, much of Avery's intended life path was changed. For one, Avery liked to make lists. So, in this extreme state of chaos, Avery made a list in his mind.
One; Avery threw Regulus' wand on the bed behind him with a fair amount of force.
Two; Avery growled. Loudly and menacingly and also very half-insanely.
And three, what truly makes him insane;
Avery grabbed Regulus with an insane amount of force and crashed his lips to his.
NO WAND. REALLY BIG PIRATEY MAN. ANGRY PIRATEY MAN. NO WAND. OH SHIT. REGULUS DOOMED.
Regulus whimpered and shut his eyes, waiting for DEATH. BECAUSE HE WAS DOOMED AND OH GOD HIS MOTHER WOULD BE INCREDIBLY ANGRY IF HE DIED. DEAD PEOPLE CAN'T MAKE HEIRS.
I mean at least if he was alive, he could still make...buttbabies?! SURELY THEY EXIST?! FOR HEIRS OF CURRENT HEIRS THAT HAPPEN TO BE VERY, VERY GAY?!
There was no death. Regulus was wondering what was taking death so long. At least if he had to die by some sort of piratey means, make it quick and painless.
OH MY GOD AVERY WAS GOING TO MAKE HIM WALK THE PLANK!!
Regulus flailed with angst and then Avery GRABBED HIM and this had to be where the blindfolds or whatever would come in for this TERRIBLE PIRATEY PLANK-WALKING BUSINESS OF SHARKS AND DEATH AND STUPID OCEANS even though his EYES WERE SHUT ANYWAYS SO WHY A BLINDFOLD? WHY?
WHAT WAS AVERY DOING?! HAD HE LOST HIS MIND ENTIRELY!?
Regulus was POSITIVE he just squeaked but it wasn't his FAULT. AVERY WAS KISSING HIM AND IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE AND REGULUS DID NOT MEAN TO KISS HIM BACK, IT JUST SORT OF.. happened?
Avery lost his mind. Right.
BUT WHY WAS REGULUS GETTING HIS HOPES UP THAT IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE?!
Maybe because Avery was trying to prove that Regulus was a poofter so he could TELL everyone. Or .. or a reference to what happened with WILL? BUT WHO MAKES REFERENCES LIKE THIS?! (...PIRATES?)
Regulus opened an eye and used it to peek at Avery, because REALLY. What the BLOODY HELL was going on?!
Avery knew what he was doing. He wasn't disillusioning himself. He wasn't making EXCUSES BECAUSE GOD DAMMIT.
HE WAS KISSING REGULUS BLACK AND HE LIKED IT.
AVERY WAS OBVIOUSLY A PIRATE OF THE WORST DEGREE AND HE JUST KEPT KISSING REGULUS BECAUSE WHAT ELSE TO DO? There was nothing else. Also because air meant words and words meant confrontation, and he wondered idly if Regulus knew he was 4 inches off of the ground or not.
It wasn't the shit that romance novel were made of and it wasn't fucking POOFTER LOVE.
This was THIS, GOD DAMMIT. AND HE WASN'T MAKING EXCUSES TO YOU
In Regulus's defense, he TRIED to ask what exactly the meaning of all of this was.
But it came out more like "Hrmphrrrpmfprhrprrmrph!??!?!?!" than anything remotely resembling what he had intended to ask.
AGAIN. NOT HIS FAULT.
THIS REALLY WAS NOT REGULUS'S FAULT AT ALL. It was ALL on Avery's head.
But hm. Regulus pondered something.
Avery really HATED it when Regulus did certain things. HE POSITIVELY LOATHED IT, DIDN'T HE?
So Regulus, obviously filled with all kinds of spite and evil intentions and certainly NOTHING ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS ANGRY AND NOTHING ELSE, not-so-subtly stuck a hand right down Avery's pants.
Regulus couldn't even pronounce Avery's first name so really, a hand down the pants was surely a thing of SPITE AND ANGER AND OH HE WAS GETTING EVEN WITH HIM FOR THIS KISSING BUSINESS
and making the Regugroin SPRING TO LIFE.
Avery pulled away form Regulus with a horrible suction sounding sound, breathing heavily and wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. He was startled out of his usually-not-very-abundant-in-the-first-place-wits and he was COMPLETELY and UTTERLY CONFUSED.
He started it. It wasn't even something he could blame on Regulus because he practically JUMPED him anyway. HE WAS STILL ANGRY. REALLY. KIND OF. ANGRY. YEAH.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO ME?" Avery yelled, clutching at his hair and turning on his heel, pacing towards a wall before turning around again. This was FRUSTRATING, GOD DAMMIT. HE DIDN'T LIKE BEING FRUSTRATED, NO HE DIDN'T AND HE DIDN'T DO THIS ON PURPOSE OKAY, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T.
"YOU'VE...YOU'VE HEXED ME OR SOMETHING BECAUSE I'VE CLEARLY LOST MY MIND AND I DON'T LOSE MY MIND!"
"Oh you're just RIDICULOUS," Regulus took a moment to catch his breath then. It was difficult to yell when he was so out of breath and he was rather thankful for the skirt as it didn't show certain..er.. things that would be more obvious in pants.
BUT THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING AND IF ANYONE DID ANY HEXING IT WAS AVERY, NOT REGULUS. AVERY AVERY AVERY.
"I'M NOT DOING A THING TO YOU!" Regulus angrily retrieved his hand from the Averypants, so Avery couldn't say he was LYING.
WHY WOULD HE PUT HIS HAND DOWN THERE ANYWAYS? DID HE SERIOUSLY WANT THE PIRATEY BITS TO PLUNDER HIM?!
Regulus screamed. He did not know why but he screamed and he was AFRAID and he had NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON AND HE WAS NEVER THIS ANGRY. IT WAS SCARY, BEING THIS ANGRY.
And Regulus didn't feel as if he really had much CONTROL over what he was SAYING OR DOING AND THIS WAS NOT GOOD.
"YOU'RE RIDICULOUS! I DON'T.. I CAN'T BEGIN TO EXPRESS HOW RIDICULOUS YOU ARE. YOU TOOK MY WAND, YOU EVIL WAND-STEALING PIRATE! YOU TOO MY WAND SO PLEASE, I'D LOVE TO HEAR HOW EXACTLY I HEXED YOU WITHOUT A WAND. UNLESS OH RIGHT. I'M A WHORE. I REMEMBER NOW. I'M A WHORE AND SOME SORT OF MUGGLE GARDENING TOOL AND MAYBE THAT'S IT. YOU LOST YOUR MIND BECAUSE I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE WHORE AND THAT'S WHY YOU LEFT THE OTHER DAY, ISN'T IT? AND BEFORE THEN TOO. IS THAT WHY YOU KISSED ME? WERE YOU TRYING TO SEE IF I'D ASK YOU TO PAY OR SEEING JUST HOW MUCH YOU COULD GET OUT OF ME SINCE YOU HATE ME AND THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE AMUSING?! IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT? OH HEY. EVERYONE ALL FUCK WITH REGULUS'S HEAD. WHY NOT?! HE WON'T MIND. HAHAHAHAHA HOW POSITIVELY </b>FUNNY</b>. I'M IN HYSTERICS. CAN'T YOU TELL?"
Regulus was far from laughing. He was angry, obviously, but other things too and NO. He was NOT going to be ANYTHING ASIDE FROM ANGRY. IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE. NOTHING MADE SENSE. Regulus was also slightly fidgety and playing with his hat and NO.
ANGER. NOTHING ELSE. ANGER.
"YOU ARE TOO BECAUSE THIS ISN'T NATURAL," Avery yelled, narrowing his eyes and throwing up his arms, turning around again and letting out a yell of frustration. NONE OF THIS EVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF REGULUS WASN'T HERE. HE WOULD'VE BEEN OUTSIDE WITH AUGGIE AND BALDEN, MAYBE DOING SOMETHING, BUT INSTEAD HE WAS HERE YELLING.
AND HOLY FUCK REGULUS' HAND WAS DOWN HIS PANTS BEFORE AND HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT WHICH WAS ONLY A TESTIMONIAL TO HIS INSANITY.
All Avery saw was BLIND ANGER, and a DRESS WHAT THE HELL.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING, YOU AREN'T A GIRL FOR FUCK'S SAKE. YOU ACT ENOUGH LIKE ONE, BUT YOU AREN'T A GIRL."
Avery was SO CONFUSED. He was something beyond confused. Something more like flabbergasted and then suddenly GUILTY, and then ANGRY, AND HE WAS LIKE A GIRL ON HER FUCKING PMS OR WHATEVER THE HELL WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS SHIT.
"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT, YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT A WHORE, FUCK REGULUS. AND I DON'T KNOW. THAT'S THE ONLY PLAUSIBLE EXPLANATION BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, OKAY? YOU ARE A BOY, AND THAT ISN'T RIGHT. DON'T TALK LIKE THAT. SHUT UP. SHUT UP."
"NO. YOU ARE RIDICULOUS. THIS HAS NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH NATURE," Regulus flailed and looked at a VERY ridiculous Avery who was reacting VERY MUCH LIKE A RIDICULOUS PERSON WOULD. "YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN RIDICULOUS. WITH YOUR WEIRD FEARS AND LEAVING AND MOST OF ALL THE LEAVING WHICH I HATE. I HATE THE LEAVING AND IT MAKES ME ANGRY."
Regulus had no idea what he even said. It sounded sort of stupid in retrospect and HE WAS NOT THE ONE BEING STUPID HERE. IT WAS AVERY.
"YOU'RE BEING SO STUPID!" Regulus shouted (as if he was doing much else?) and was tempted to hide in his bed but that might make Avery LEAVE since he LIKES BEING STUPID.
"AND WHAT BUSINESS IS IT YOURS, WHAT I'M WEARING?! FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I HAPPEN TO BE A GIRL. THERE. DOES THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY? WILL LEFT BECAUSE I'M NOT A GIRL. AND YOU TOO. AND MAYBE WILL WOULD'VE LIKED ME BETTER IF I WAS A GIRL A FEW DAYS AGO. BUT I DIDN'T FIGURE THAT OUT UNTIL NOW SO NOW I'M A GIRL AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYMORE."
Regulus did NOT mean to say that bit out loud. NOT AT ALL. He was really upset about it and why would he SHARE that?
And why was he so tempted to say something ELSE? This wasn't entirely anger. This was anger and spite and.. Regulus wasn't sure what he was trying to accomplish but he wanted to do SOMETHING so he said the first thing he could think of saying.
"Speaking of Will, have you seen him? Maybe now that I'm a girl he'll want to kiss me again."
Regulus smirked, although briefly.
AVERY WAS RATHER PISSING HIM OFF AGAIN.
"IF I'M NOT A WHORE, WHY DID YOU CALL ME ONE?! AND FUCK ME WHERE?! WHO IS FUCKING REGULUS?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT NOW?! I THINK THE ONLY THING THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE IS YOU. AND I WILL TALK HOWEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE AND I WILL NEVER SHUT UP AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME FROM TALKING BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SAID NEARLY AS MUCH AS I SHOULD BUT YOU. YOU INFURIATE ME. IS THIS A PIRATE THING? I THINK IT IS. I CAN'T SAY ENOUGH HOW MUCH OF A HORRID PIRATE YOU ARE BUT YOU'VE MADE ME LOSE MY MIND BECAUSE I WOULDN'T MIND IF YOU KI- ... "
Regulus screamed and covered his mouth. WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT WAS THAT?!
"I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE A FUCKING GIRL," Avery yelled, VERY loudly indeed, so loudly that he probably scared many first years to death and beyond with the SHEER FORCE of this yell in particular. "WILL NOTT CAN'T KISS YOU ANYMORE. HE CAN'T. HE NEEDS TO GO FUCK SOME SORT OF DONKEY OR THAT LITTLE BITCH THAT WON'T GIVE ANY BECAUSE YOU CANOT BE SNOGGED BY HIM ANY LONGER."
Avery didn't know what- he didn't know what that MEANT. He didn't LIKE the thought of Regulus kissing Will Nott because Will Nott was a prissy wanker who wanted Regulus to CHANGE but Regulus SHOULDN'T have to change for ANYONE because-
This was STUPID. STUUUUUUUUPID. Regulus was STUPID. STUUUUUUUUUPID. And so what if Avery liked him more as a boy? SO WHAT? HE SHOULD! AVERY DIDN'T REALLY LIKE GIRLS ANYWAY!
NO WAIT. He DID like girls. You see. HE DID! HE REALLY DID. SERIOUSLY.
Just not like that.
And then Avery realized that he was defeated by his own mind.
And he also realized that he lost all control of his mind and his mind in general a long time ago.
"You wouldn't mind if WHAT?"
"THEN WHY DO YOU MAKE SUCH AN ISSUE OF ME BEING A BOY, PARTICULARLY WHEN I HAVE NO PANTS ON?! SEE?! SEE?! I HAVE NO PANTS ON NOW AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN MENTION IT! YOU'RE VERY LOUD. YOU KNOW THAT? WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN LOUD?!"
Regulus pouted and was then preparing himself for all kinds of remarks about how Regulus is a whore for kissing Will which was ENTIRELY a lie because Regulus was never PAID for ANYTHING. He didn't want to be but.. oh right. He did get payment for everything.
PAYMENT IN THE FORM OF EVERYONE LEAVING THEN PROBABLY RIDICULING HIM WHERE HE CAN'T HEAR IT.
But Avery didn't say ANY of that. In fact, he was now attempting to TELL REGULUS WHAT TO DO.
"YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO AUTHORITY OVER WHAT I DO AND WHO I DO IT WITH!" Regulus had a terrible sort of headache and he wondered if he could possibly just remove his head and put it somewhere else that he didn't have to deal with it anymore, "SO I CAN KISS WILL IF I WANT TO. HE DOESN'T WANT TO OTHERWISE I WOULD. AND WHY THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU EVEN CARE!? GO BACK TO LOOKING FOR BURIED TREASURE. HONESTLY!"
Regulus didn't much care for discussing Will right now anyways.
CAKE. CAKE CAKE CAKE.
Regulus opened up a nearby cake box -- he always had cake and he made sure it was always readily accessible -- and helped himself to some cake. He sat on the edge of his bed and looked up at Avery defiantly.
"SEE?! I EVEN EAT CAKE WITHOUT YOUR DAMN APPROVAL! AND ..AND.. AND I SAID I WOULDN'T MIND IF YOU KISSED ME AGAIN. SO THERE."
Regulus only said THAT because he was angry. It seemed the sort of thing that'd really piss Avery off. Because Avery didn't believe him to be a girl after all, and since he thought of Regulus as a boy, the thought of kissing him HAD to be a VERY ANGRY THING INDEED.
"WELL- WELL! WHAT IF I WANT A SAY IN IT, HUH? WHAT IF I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SAY THAT YOU CAN'T SNOG WILL NOTT BECAUSE HE'S A HOE WHO DOESN'T EVEN GET ANYTHING, HUH?" Avery concluded that that hole he's been digging? He can bury himself in it now. Must be time to throw away those pesky inhibitions.
It was kind of a surreal experience, everything that happened after Regulus got out the cake- WHAT THE HELL?- and started TALKING with cake smeared all over his mouth like a little kid who didn't get his way and he was still YELLING.
And with that, his poor, little shred of withering heterosexuality died, and with THAT, he finally listened to Regulus.
"AND WHAT IF I DON'T SEE ANY REASON WHY YOU SHOULD LOGICALLY EVEN HAVE A SAY IN THIS MATTER!?" Because why SHOULD he? It was mind-boggling. Avery had nothing at all to do with Will, unless he just really really hated Will and therefore wanted to prevent anything that might potentially be a positive thing for Will.
But Regulus hadn't ever seen Avery sabotaging any of Will's quidditch gear or the golden snitch or anything of the sort. And Regulus figured Avery WOULD if it was some long-standing thing against Will Nott, since Avery didn't seem the sort to really CARE if Slytherin won at Quidditch anyways.
Do pirates even LIKE Quidditch!?
WHY WAS HE THINKING ABOUT QUIDDITCH!?
Not like quidditch was horrifying filled with the potential for ALL sorts of innuendo. Not that anything had anything remotely anything-like to do with innuendo.
AND CAKE. CAKE WAS ALWAYS GOOD. Regulus grabbed another handful of cake because HE COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT HE SAID TO AVERY and NOTHING would help him cope with that aside from CAKE. WONDROUS CAKE.
Cake that he wasn't capable of eating because it seemed as if he was now occupied in ways that wouldn't allow for the eating of cake.
Regulus was.. HE DIDN'T THINK AVERY WOULD TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY.
Regulus flailed to keep his balance, which was failing him because of AVERY (HE JUST KEEPS DOING THINGS, DOESN'T HE?) AND NO. REGULUS HAD TO PRESERVE HIS CAKE. SAVE IT FOR LATER.
There were no proper thoughts. This was very distracting and Regulus had to remember to tell Avery it was ALL HIS FAULT that Regulus was ENJOYING this but the cake had to be taken care of so he put it in the only place that occurred to him. Something that would remain as a sort of tradition, one that LEGENDS WERE MADE OF.
Regulus decided that his cake would best be kept IN AVERY'S PANTS.
Pants had to be useful for something, right? AND IT MIGHT AS WELL BE FOR CAKE.
Now you see, Avery has lost his mind at this point in our story. It was arather tragic thing indeed bit everything will turn out for the better (or so the voice in his brain said.) He should get a new brain. This one was not satisfactory considering how CALM he was BEING, WHAT THE HELL.
Avery was rather occupied and his brain was still rather DEAD, so it wasn't until something SO VERY SQUISHY AND CAKE-LIKE INDEED CAME INTO CONTACT WITH HIS PANTS did he pay any attention to anything. "The hell is that?" Avery said against Regulus' mouth, trying to be coherent and register things IN HIS PANTS that weren't SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Avery jumped away again. He did a lot of that. And without thinking, he opened the zipper on his pants to SEE what the fuck was in there- AND NOT LIKE THAT OKAY- only to find CAKE. Not unlike the cake that was now transferred to HIS mouth from- he didn't want to think about that.
"You put cake in my pants."
"I think it's cake. Not hell-cake. Regular cake. Regucake," Regulus replied as best as he could anyways.
AVERY'S FAULT AVERY'S FAULT AVERY'S FAULT!
And then the kissing STOPPED and Regulus was about to whine but.. REVENGE. This, the cake in the pants, was a sort of revenge. Not a bad sort, but a sort that was appropriate in some way at least. Because really, Regulus preferred the kissing to all of the yelling so if things can just be solved by a little bit of cake in the pants, then so be it. Avery got caked. Avery gets over it. And back to the kissing. RIGHT?
Regulus grinned and watched Avery, sitting up and attempting to take a peek in the depths of Avery's pants without Avery noticing because.. REALLY HE JUST WANTED TO SEE WHERE THE CAKE ENDED UP. HE DID PUT IT THERE. IT WAS HIS CAKE. HIS CAKE IN AVERY'S PANTS AND HE SHOULD KNOW ITS EXACT LOCATION.
Map out the Averygroin, latitude and longitude and all of THAT.
Regulus was particularly curious about the longitude.
Regulus smiled up at Avery innocently. "Did I really? Cake in the PANTS? You don't like it? DO like it? Indifferent?"
Regulus noticed a bit of icing still on his fingers and licked it off. Not that this could ever possibly be suggestive of anything ELSE, aside from a love of CAKE.
Avery gave Regulus a weird look, before turning back to his pants. He dipped a finger below the waistband of said trousers to pick at some loose icing before giving it a disgusted look and smearing it on the floor.
"Yes, you did, and its relatively disgusting," Avery said, getting up to go get another pair of pants from the wardrobe. Avery's mind felt oxygen-deprived. It wasn't functioning properly because once he walked over to the wardrobe, he dropped his pants.
Something was WRONG.
Avery's mind cleared SO SUDDENLY that he heard his back give a loud snap as he bent down to retrieve the pants with wide-eyes. He turned around to see Regulus licking icing off of his finger- dear god was nothing holy?
This was some ALTERNATE REALITY obviously. This amazing alternate reality that made- YES. HE WAS FORCED- Avery lean over and catch Regulus' hang, thus prohibiting him from his licking quest. And all that.
HE WASN'T BOTHERED. HE JUST-
Regulus watched Avery express his silent cake-related angst, rather amused by it. He was giving really funny looks, MAYBE THIS IS WHAT PIRATES LOOKED LIKE WHEN PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF THEIR POOP DECKS, and then Avery decided to play with his cakey groin. Or.. no, he was just sort of poking at it.
"You're overreacting, you know. Cake's a sort of mess that's not all that difficult to clean up. And if you don't know how, I can always do it," Regulus stated matter-of-factly as Avery's pants came off.
AVERY'S. PANTS. CAME. OFF.
THIS WAS CERTAINLY AN INTERESTING TWIST.
Usually it wasthe other way around. Regulus would lose his pants and Avery would ALWAYS remain wearing his pants despite Regulus encouraging him that pants were really, REALLY not necessary and REGULUS NEVER DID THINK AVERY THE TYPE WHO DIDN'T WEAR ANY UNDERWEAR.
No pants. No underwear. NO PANTS. NO UNDERWEAR.
Regulus made no attempt to hide the fact that he was staring quite obviously. It was like he was transfixed. Transfixed on the Averygroin and he wasn't even aware of the fact that he was STILL licking icing off his fingers, all the while STARING at the ICING that was SOMEWHERE ELSE.
He wasn't aware of this until Avery grabbed him and Avery wasn't really saying anything but he was looking at Regulus and what was going on here? HOW MANY TIMES WOULD REGULUS HAVE TO ASK HIMSELF THAT QUESTION?
Regulus noted that Avery was unsuccessful at his attempt to get his pants on. They were ON, but sort of hanging pathetically VERY MUCH UNLIKE SOMETHING ELSE.
Regulus was staring. Regulus wasn't particularly concerned that he was staring. He was, but then he really wasn't. I mean it was there. VISIBLE. TO LOOK AT.
Avery never was without pants so it was a .. a sight. One never witnessed. Regulus wondered if perhaps the planets aligned in such a way that this even HAPPENED.
Avery still had his hand.
"What?" Regulus remembered that Avery DID have a face so he looked at that, "I er.. I had icing ..? You do know you have quite a bit of it.." Regulus nodded at the Averygroin, "Right THERE."
Avery felt his face heat up. HE NEVER BLUSHED WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS NOW? And he had this HORRIBLE DRAF-
Damn those pants. Damn them ALL.
He let go of Regulus' hand and pulled up his pants hurriedly, trying with all of his might not to get anymore icing anywhere else. Which was obviously a lost cause. He suddenly wished he hadn't decided to stop wearing underwear all of those years ago. It was why he loved pants so much. Without his pants, HE WAS NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL.
"Where's my wand, have you seen my wand, hmm?" Avery said, only a BIT frantically, ignoring Regulus' pointed stare. "NOT THAT ONE EITHER, OKAY?"
"I HAVE QUITE A BIT OF ICING THERE, no thanks to you, Regulus dearest," Avery said again, his voice rising steadily in pitch, still trying to gather up his pants by his waist.
Only this time he just wasn't sure which way to go with this. What would Avery be comfortable with? What wouldn't make him run screaming from the room? He still was insisting on pants despite Regulus's eyes attempting to keep removing them.
When Regulus undressed with his eyes, it was a force that could remove not only the intended pants, shirt, undergarments (but Avery was such a rebel against the movement that promoted absolute containment of one's bits), but this look would burn up any and all clothing in the immediate vicinity as well as other vicinities at varying distances.
AND IT DIDN'T HELP THAT REGULUS HAD TO CONSCIOUSLY REMIND THE REGUGROIN TO NOT BURST INTO SONG AT RANDOM AND SING ODES TO AVERY. ODES OF PRAISE AND ADMIRATION OF ITS SPLENDOUR AND GLORY.
Regulus felt like he might be developing a bit of a twitch or something, but he KNEW he wasn't, it was just these URGES AND WANTING TO JUST JUMP ON AVERY AND PREVENT HIM FROM EVER WEARING PANTS EVER AGAIN AND MAKE SURE HE WEARS A REGULUS FAR MORE OFTEN THAN NOT.
"YOUR WAND?" Regulus asked, his voice getting slightly higher than usual BUT JUST SLIGHTLY, "I HAVEN'T SEEN IT BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD STRIP ME NAKED TO MAKE SURE I DON'T HAVE IT ON UNDER MY CLO- ... I MEAN MAYBE IT'S WITH YOUR ROBES?" Regulus forced a grin, a rather frightening sort of grin because HOW DID HE JUST LOSE CONTROL OF AN ENTIRE SENTENCE? THAT DID NOT HAPPEN. Maybe a slip of a word or two but a SLIP of an ENTIRE SENTENCE?!
Regulus laughed nervously and stared at Avery, an odd mixture of panic and lust and DESIRE AND FEAR AND -
"What is it they say about having cake and eating it too?" Regulus grinned now, rather uncharacteristically since he NEVER was faced with cake in THAT LOCATION or this..WHATEVER IT WAS. He was fairly certain he wasn't angry anymore but why was he STILL STARING? "Would you.. I CAN EAT THAT CAKE FOR YOU. I MEAN I DID PUT IT THERE AND IT'S STILL PERFECTLY GOOD CAKE AND I REALLY LIKE YOUR- .. THE CAKE. THE CAKE. I REALLY DO LIKE CAKE. AND IT'S MY FAULT, ISN'T IT? YOU DID JUST SAY AND.. AND.."
Regulus's hand had a MIND OF ITS OWN and it was now hovering dangerously close to Avery's pants, threatening to pull them back off. THREATENING.
Regulus Black had two possible options. The first being to go take a cold shower. And the second? Convincing this pirate that he wants some booty.
Avery was now just a bit more than confused. The fuck was Regulus on about now? Something about taking off his clothes
NOT A BAD IDEA HAR HAR and something about EATING THE CAKE ALSO NOT A BAD IDEA HAR HAR HAR HAR.
After shooting Regulus a look in return to his rather scorching look (which frightened him, ever so slightly) he said, "Good idea," he said slowly- SUSPICIOUSLY.
Nothing was ever what it seemed with the Regugroin about, he concluded. Escpecially cake.
Avery reached behind him, to the pile of clothes in the corner, glaring at it when he fund that it indeed did not hold his wand. He missed his wand.
WHERE WAS HIS MAGIC STICK?
"ER- Its allrightbutcanIborrowyourwandtocleanthisup,please,thankyou?" Avery said, hoping that it would sound less dirty if he said it quickly.
Regulus was about to say something but was abruptly stopped when a vision before him caught his eye.
A HEAVENLY SORT OF VISION. HE SWORE HE COULD SEE IT GLOW, CHOIRS OF ANGELS SINGING THEIR PRAISES, AND ALL OF THAT. A FULL ORCHESTRA SOUNDED IN HIS MIND.
It was there. Exposed. Presenting itself to him. It was.. glorious.
"Avery.. you.. you.. your.." Regulus attempted to speak but was CAPTIVATED. It had powers over his mind. Regulus wondered if this was how it was discovered Avery was a wizard. He dropped his pants and everyone in the nearby vicinity was rendered speechless.
It was terrible that Avery had moved a slight distance away as Regulus's hand had been SO VERY CLOSE to achieving a minor sort of victory but SOMETIMES that was necessary for OPTIMAL VIEW. And WHY was Avery even searching for his wand when it was so very obviously making itself obvious!? There was no way it was humanly possible for THAT to hide behind the cake or the icing. Regulus hadn't somehow managed to attach a full sheet cake RIGHT THERE.
"YOU CAN HAVE MY WAND. YOUR WAND IS RIGHT THERE. WITH CAKE. ICING. DELICIOUS. CAN WE EXCHANGE WANDS?" Regulus all but launched himself at Avery and was soon attached to him, refusing to let go. THE TEMPTATION HAD BEEN FAR TOO STRONG. "And my wand is under my pirate wench skirt. DID YOU NOTICE I'M A PIRATE WENCH!? WHAT DO THEY DO ANYWAYS? DO YOU KNOW?! CAKE!" A slightly-hysterical Regulus groped at an Averygroin. "CAKE! WAND! CAKE! ARSES IN THE SKY!?"
"What?" Avery asked, still scanning the room for his WAND.
THE OTHER WAS ALREADY APPARENT, YES, THANK YOU REGULUS.
Suddenly, The Avery-fort was under rapid assault. ASSAULT ON ALL THINGS. CLINGING REGULUS AND WANDS AND CAKE? THERE WAS A LOT OF CAKE YES, AND SO MUCH CLINGING.
"You're a what?" Avery squeaked, glancing down. Regulus was indeed a pirate wench, but Avery DIDN'T KNOW WHY THAT WOULD BE SIGNIFICANT- I MEAN, REALLY HAR HAR. "I don't know what they do and cake? Wands? ARSES? WHAT?"
Avery's voice was so very high. And Regulus was still CLINGING.
GROPING. OH GOD. GROPING. Avery felt himself die. And a particularly loud squeak signaled this new
Why was Avery looking around?! REGULUS WAS RIGHT HERE! NOT ALL AROUND THE ROOM. Although he felt like he was going to be ALL OVER THE ROOM at any second when he EXPLODED because he didn't know what all of this was and Avery wasn't helping! He was just generally standing there and not being the slightest bit of help and Regulus didn't think this weird jumpy feeling was very becoming of him but AVERY. WHAT THE HELL. AVERY.
"AVERY!" Regulus whined, groping EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING that was present on the Avery that he could. THERE HAD TO BE SOME SORT OF.. well.. some sort of THING that would.. activate Avery? HE NEEDED SOME SORT OF ACTIVATION. "HOW DO I TURN IT ON?! WOULD YOU JUST TELL ME ALREADY!?" Regulus pouted and looked up at Avery, filled with much pouting and looking like a pirate wench.
"I'm a PIRATE WENCH!" Regulus stated proudly, "And you of all pi- people should KNOW what they do!" POUTING. OH SUCH POUTING. He didn't know WHAT exactly to say to Avery or what to ask him or what to DO here.
But really now. He at least thought Avery knew he had BODY PARTS. And CAKE. Regulus rolled his eyes because this was ridiculous but he had no choice but to humour the Avery. "CAKE!" And Regulus grabbed the general vicinity of the new location of the Regucake. "And THIS is your wand" - One Reguhand grabbing onto the most interesting sort of wand present in the room, "AND THIS IS YOUR ARSE!" Second Reguhand officially occupied.
Regulus smirked at Avery, attempting to look as if nothing at all out of the usual was occurring. Avery SQUEAKED. HE SQUEAKED!
But hey, he ASKED, didn't he?
"Activation?" Avery sqeaked, "I THINK THAT HAPPENED ALREADY, OKAY?"
There really was no denying it. IT WAS THERE. LIKE A BEACON OF HOMOSEXUALITY. LIGHTHOUSE. SOMETHING. SOMETHING BRIGHT AND TALL. LONG. SOMETHING.
So maybe he was a little bit gay. JUST A LITTLE BIT. THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! Kinda.
"I can see that," Avery said, feeling something bubble behind his stomach which was SO ODD. BAD SANDWICH? WHY DID HE FEEL LIKE GRINNING GOOFILY? WAVING A RAINBOW BANNER? "WELL, I don't know what a pirate wench would do, but seeing as you ARE the pirate wench, maybe you should tell me."
AND OH GOD MORE GROPING WAS SO NOT WHAT HE NEEDED
"WELL YES, THERE THEY ARE AND WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH THEM NOW?"
Regulus blinked and looked at Avery, the slightest bit of a smirk showing. "Oh? Where did this activation happen then?"
Nothing too obvious, however. There was.. so much obvious as it was. AVERY was OBVIOUSLY NOT WEARING ANY PANTS. And this was OBVIOUSLY some sort of a record as.. as it never happened. IT NEVER HAPPENED BUT IT WAS NOW. AND IT STILL WAS.
This was..amazement, wasn't it? WAS that the word for it?
But then again, Regulus had many a birthday party in the past where he was given so many presents, all of them wrapped up, piles and piles of presents and that was amazement. Just looking at all of the presents and the CAKE. NEVER FORGET THE CAKE.
Regulus would never be able to forget a certain bit of fateful cake.
So if that was amazement and that never made him feel like this then this was something different and sure he kissed Will and it made him start to feel something but then it was ended abruptly. There were the other encounters with Avery but those were.. distracting. But in a different way. What with the fits about pants and fits in general and the leaving and ..
And Regulus had to be sure this time was different. He really was tired of getting his hopes up and then it being something else entirely.
He wanted.. what he WANTED to do was far different than what he was going to do. He wanted to kiss Avery. He did, and he was ready to admit that to himself. Despite all of those DAMN FITS, he wanted to kiss him and ..and figure out what EXACTLY to do with a few certain bits of Avery that were just being held there without being sure what to do, which was more a result of not knowing what Avery was going to do. WAS this really different? Or would he run away?
There really was only one way to find out.
"Maybe it's time you find out what a pirate wench would do," Regulus stared at Avery and took a deep breath before letting go of the Avery and pulling off his boots. They were making him stumble a bit and were uncomfortable and would not suit him where he was headed.
Regulus gave another look to Avery before sitting back down on the bed and kicking his legs up so he was laying down enough for Avery to get the picture but propped up enough to see what exactly Avery would do.
Regulus shut his eyes nervously and took a few more breaths, hoping for the best.
Well. Well well well. Avery blinked multiple times at the sight that now befell him. That was definitely a Regulus. That was a Regulus.
And slowly, his little bit gay was turning into a LOT gay and very suddenly, the distance between him and the Regulus (YES A REGULUS, INDEED) decreased until he was right in front of him and watching Regulus be so very nervous, and be
cute WHAT? HE DIDN'T THINK THAT.
IF HE WAS GOING TO BE GAY, HE WAS GOING TO BE THE VERY MANLY SORT OF GAY INDEED.
So there Avery stood, with no pants, and hopefully still some dignity, and he stared at Regulus, at a complete loss as to what to do.
NERVES. SO MUCH NERVES.
It would have been impossible to ignore the rush of excitement and NERVES that went through Regulus as Avery decidedly did not RUN OUT OF THE ROOM and instead was now STANDING THERE. RIGHT BY REGULUS. NAKED. REGULUS LAYING ON A BED AND AVERY STANDING THERE NAKED. NO CLOTHES.
AND ESPECIALLY NO PANTS.
Regulus wondered why it was that he could run around naked and feel absolutely no shame or anything at all related to it but was now plagued by The Giddy and smiling and turning red. AND INTERNAL CELEBRATIONS.
Regulus concluded that it might be a bit frightening if he were to cheer out loud that Avery hadn't run away and this was a big step for him, it seemed. Even though he was standing there and looked as scared as Regulus felt, amongst all of these other feelings, it was still very important.
Something had to be done to .. to figure SOMETHING out. Some sort of way to break the ice. The very homosexual sort of ice. Maybe, just maybe, Avery was signalling that he wanted Regulus naked. Since he usually was and it seemed odd that Regulus was still wearing any kind of clothing whatsoever.
And he was sure Avery would still get the picture that Regulus was the equivalent to a pirate wench even WITHOUT the costume.
MORE DEEP BREATHS. Regulus sat up and removed every last bit of his clothes, looking at Avery and hoping he didn't decide to run away JUST YET and HE WAS SHAKING, YES BUT THE CLOTHES WERE SUCCESSFULLY OFF, REGUGROIN DID NOT GET CAUGHT IN ANY WAY OUT OF A HORRIBLE BIT OF BAD GROIN KARMA OR ANYTHING.
This room had just gotten SO much more naked than Regulus thought possible.
NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED SO NAKED NAKED NAKED SO VERY NAKED OH MY GOD.
Avery couldn't move. He couldn't run, he couldn't think he couldn't PROTEST, HE COULDN'T SHOUT IN JOY, HE COULDN'T DO ANYTHING AND HE CULDN'T DECIDE IF THIS WAS FOR THE BETTER. HE WOULD DO SOMETHING RASH ONCE HIS BRAIN WAS FIXED, HE COULD FEEL IT.
Avery was BLUSHING because that wasn't able to be controlled and he COULD do that, and the bottoms of his feet felt all TINGLY and he didn't UNDERSTAND IT AND THIS WAS SO GIRLY.
He bit down on his lip trying to channel some sort of ANYTHING into his brain.
HE NEEDED SOME SORT OF TRIGGER. OR A WALL TO BANG HIS HEAD AGAINST.
WHAT WAS AVERY DOING!? WHAT WAS THIS?! WHAT WAS WITH ALL OF THE FREEZING?! AND THE STANDING AND STARING!?
Regulus would have thought he died while standing up if he wasn't TURNING RED. And Regulus did not hear someone stupefy Avery, and he was sure he'd notice if HE did it. Anyways, his wand was over THERE somewhere and he didn't think his OTHER wand could stupefy Avery. Or at least through some sort of spell anyways.
Frown. REGUFROWN. He had to think. Keep thinking for some sort of solution or motivation and .. well Avery MIGHT need some sort of reminding. Maybe he was trying to remember and that's why he froze up and Regulus HAD TO REMIND HIM.
"Avery," Regulus grabbed an Averyhand and looked at him with MUCH PURPOSE. SO MUCH. AN ASTOUNDING AMOUNT. "Avery, I'm still a pirate wench. I just don't have any clothes on. So... so.. so.."
FEAR. AND NOT JUST THAT FEAR OF DEVELOPING A NERVOUS TWITCH.
"So.. so..er.. pirate.. buttsex?" Although it was said a bit inaudibly. He wasn't sure what Avery would do if that was SHOUTED at him.
WAIT. WHY WAS REGULUS BEING SO FORWARD?! HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING. WHY DID HE KEEP FORGETTING THAT?!
"WHAT?" Avery squeaked. He did not just hear that he did not just hear that he did not just hear that he did not just hear that.
"...Regulus. Are you sure you know what this entails?"
Avery was suddenly more CONCERNED than FRIGHTENED and he didn't know why but he would deny it until he died that it was because of the GIRLY HAND-HOLDING. BECAUSE IT WASN'T.
"Pirate..buttsex," Regulus repeated, looking at Avery, a bit unsure now because Avery sounded .. well he didn't sound as enthusiastic about the idea as Regulus would have hoped him to. Regulus had hoped that Avery would've greeted the idea with MUCH JOY and then jump on him and carry on with whatever business he could conduct all up.. wherever it was that this business would really go on.
There was no way they could see the sky from in here, to see the flying arse that Avery mentioned, and.. was that how it went? WHY DID REGULUS ALWAYS FORGET HOW IT WENT WHEN HE MOST NEEDED TO KNOW? Not like he needed to know this often but ..but NOW. NOW.
DID HE EVEN KNOW TO BEGIN WITH?!
NO. NO HE DIDN'T. But wasn't it AVERY who started giving him lessons in these matters anyways? WASN'T IT? He talked! He told him!
He owed Regulus a hands-on educational experience. HE MOST CERTAINLY DID.
Okay. Time to stretch the truth a bit.
"WELL. I do have a basic general idea but the details, they can be worked out. YOU know. WORK OUT THE DETAILS ON ME," Regulus knew he couldn't be all THAT clueless. Or his LOINS weren't. THEY WERE QUITE CLUED IN RIGHT NOW.
CLUED IN AND IF AVERY WOULD NOT ANSWER THE REST OF HIS QUESTIONS HE VERY WELL MAY DIE. DIE RIGHT HERE. NAKED AND A VIRGIN.
Regulus's brain screamed with terror at the thought.